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Phoenix Rising

Phoenix Grrrl

I have been turned to ashes. It is time.

Today marks my eleventh year of motherhood. I gave birth to my daughter, Alexandra, eleven years ago. My life has been deeply transformed during that time.

The tower has fallen. It’s time for rebirth and renewal.

Happy birthday, Alexandra. Happy birthing day to me (and to her father).

Today, I make a deep commitment to the rebirth of myself.

Watch me.

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a curve in the labyrinth…

a curve in the labyrinth...

when i am swallowed up in my own pain
when people are here but not here
when i am overwhelmed by the needs
and expectations
of people who want me all to them themselves
to be their balm
to be an audience
to be what they need…

i look for a way out
and then i realize
there is nowhere else to go
but inside

and i remember i need to decide who it is
I want to be

and make it happen.

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Spirit and Matter

Gravity for Illustration Friday

When I am deeply rooted in my own power and take full responsibility for my life, my spirit can soar free.

My spirit is not beholden to gravity and the rules of the physical world but my body is. The nature of reality, according to many belief systems is that the physical world is an illusion. I am not an authority on that so I wouldn’t know. Even if we live in a holographic universe, where the matter we experience everyday is a projection, it’s still the world we live in isn’t it? When an apple falls on our head around these parts, it hurts. I believe that learning to thrive on both the physical and spiritual planes is essential to our well-being and the evolution of consciousness. After all, that hologram is projected from somewhere, isn’t it? Whatever it is that projects the hologram must be attended to just as we attend to the bump on our head from the apple with an ice pack or some arnica.

I am currently reading “The Path of Transformation” by Shakti Gawain. She has this to say about our experience in the physical reality: “It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable to face these realities and our feelings about them, so most of us try to focus on other things. yet, in order to confront our personal and planetary problems, and try to solve them, we must first be honest enough to acknowledge the confusing, frightening feelings we may have and how overwhelming it all seems. The first step we must take in dealing with any challenge is to acknowledge what is is and how we feel about it. It is only through facing our fears and difficulties that we can find creative and effective solutions.”

The book goes on to discuss the nature of how our consciousness impacts the collective consciousness. I believe it is consciousness that is projecting that hologram. Some might call this consciousness “God”, some “The Universe”, some call it “static”. Whatever IT is, I am a part of it and I must take FULL responsibility for my part and make mindful choices because my projection impacts the whole.

I have a spiritual awareness of the innate goodness of creation. This is a visceral experience I have, not just some wishful thinking. I often see and experience the very best that is possible in a person or in the potential of an experience. This spiritual awareness sometimes clashes with the reality of what the material realm is offering in the moment. There is a lot of polarity in this third dimension. I don’t revel in polarity but I accept it, I see it and I let it inform me. I think I am here to experience the sensual, multi-dimensional reality as a flesh and blood human and those things are going to be a part of that experience. My essence is “spirit” but I have a body that is a reflection of my inner truth and and I live in a world filled with polarity and contradiction. I must allow the experience.

I’m not a monk or a yogi and I don’t aspire to that. I don’t have a gaggle of devotees making sure that my physical needs are met so I can connect with the spirit realm and share what I’ve found. I must make my own food, and make sure I have shelter. This is what I choose. I want to take responsibility for myself and integrate my mind, body and spirit in the present moment. I do not seek to transcend this reality or escape it. I truly believe I came here to co-create the process of transformation that is happening on this planet. When I consider what is happening in Tibet right now, of the Dalai Lama’s struggle, I see how that fits in with my own polarized inner reality. I don’t want to hide from anything. I don’t want to change anything per se since much of what’s “out there” is beyond my own personal control. I do, however, want to find peace inside of myself and let that positively impact the collective conscious.

I want to move through the process of consciousness deeply rooted in my own power so as to allow the process of transformation to unfold. I believe this is best accomplished by enjoying life, not running from it, having the courage to face my fears, allow my pain, taste the essence of the world and shed as much pure, spiritual, loving light on it as I can. I’m not convinced that going around “spreading the love”, “sending positive vibes”, “praying”, or doing “manifesting” work is going to truly impact us positively until we begin to rip back the layers of pain, delusion and darkness inside of us and heal those first. That is where true healing begins. We are bound to positively impact the wholeness of the body of “God” when we keep our own “cell” cancer-free.

Right now, every time I think about what’s wrong “out there” or begin to judge or reject someone or something (which I do far more than I would like to admit) I ask what inside of myself needs to heal. After all, no matter how much I wish I could control the world (and yes, I often wish I could), I can only truly control my own actions and that is more than enough work for this lifetime. That means taking responsibility for my choices, being mindful of my consumption, loving myself, and understanding how I fit into the bigger picture and being aware of the impact I have.

For today, I am focusing on loving myself. My goal is to truly learn to love, honor, respect, care for and appreciate each and every cell in my own body. I believe there is a lot of healing potential there.

With every moment I care for my physical being, my spirit soars that much higher.

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Dragonfly Medicine

Dragonfly Shadow

A shadow on my friend, Julia’s, wall that was cast by a little dragonfly hanging in the window. I drew the Dragonfly card in the Animal Medicine tarot deck by Jamie Sams so I appreciated the synchronicity of seeing this yesterday. Here’s a bit about Dragonfly medicine:

“Dragonfly medicine is of the dreamtime and the illusionary facade we accept as physical reality. The iridescence of Dragonfly’s wings reminds us of colors not found in our everyday experience. Dragonfly’s shifting of color, energy, form, and movement explodes into the mind of hte observer, bringing vague memories of a time or place where magic reigned.

Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, the messages of wisdom and enlightenment and communications from the elemental world….on a pychological level, it may be time to break down the illusions you have held that restrict your actions and ideas…See how you can apply the art of illusion to your present question or situation, and remember that things are never completely as they seem.”

As I shift my physical reality and create a new “norm” for myself, I am mindful that I get to choose my new reality; they key is focusing on what I DO want and taking steps to get to where I want to be. Thank you, Dragonfly Spirit, for the reminder.