always careening

careeninginvited in
but always careening towards
something
(careless footsteps)

skin throbbing from the sting
(and not wanting to forget)
the pulsating rhythm of blood
rushing to the point of entry

bathed in sunlight,
the clenching stops
while quiescent clouds gather

rich, mellifluous enchantment
moments and memories stitched together
(everything in his house has a story)

trust comes in timid sips

it’s not about being different, it’s about being

For the Unbridled Museletter last week, I wrote about the chaos of the Discomfort Monster.  This week, it’s a different monster all together:  The Gnarly Judgement Monster.  We all have those people in our lives that are like Voldemort in Harry Potter:  He Who Shall Not Be Named.  They are the people that have criticized us or treated us like we were less than because we. just. weren’t. like. them.  They don’t understand us and they don’t try.
When I was in my twenties and trying to discover myself, my personal Voldemort said, “Why do you always have to be so different?”  This is someone I admired (at the time) and looked up to.  It made me very sad and, for a while, made me doubt myself.  Here’s something I figured out though:

If we were all the same, that would be a tragic reality indeed.  We came here to be our own spark of Divinity.  Period.

We came here to create and love and play.  The tormenting ourselves and one another is just a bonus feature that helps us learn about choosing and loving.

secret flower

I don’t hang out with that Voldemort anymore but I see others like him and, frankly, I see him in myself sometimes.  I am learning, bit by bit, to love that harsh, judgmental and terribly afraid part of myself.  Learning to see it with new eyes.

I absolutely move away from people who are treating me poorly but I also seek to understand the behavior in my heart so it can be a teacher.  I know that when someone is criticizing me, it’s usually low self-worth or fear talking.  This helps me to empathize and sometimes (when I remember), I’m able to address the core issue either with them or at least find a resolution in my heart. Once I’ve done that, I can move forward and be that spark of Divinity I know myself to be and I can let them be that as well.

Humanity (and life, really), is such a beautiful spectrum of colors and textures.  I like it that way.  I know that sometimes the people and governments that want to colonize and make us homogeneous are doing it because they want to hold rather than share power.  In my experience, the core of this position is not just about power but of allowing our vulnerability.   True power though comes from vulnerability, not control.

I know I can’t change the world but I do work on changing my own corner of it.  My little intention for the week ahead is to notice when someone is doing something that makes me uncomfortable and just let myself be with it without saying anything or reacting at all.  Instead, I’ll write about it in my journal or otherwise create something (note to self: a Facebook status update doesn’t count, kdl).  I suspect I’ll learn a great deal.  I don’t like the way I feel when I’m feeling critical so I’m going to shoot for a different feeling–more open, generous and trusting.  (I might be doing all of this while hiding under a blanket, for the record.)

Okay, maybe I’ll just start with today and go from there.  Care to join me?

Subscribe to my Unbridled Museletter for creative juice served up weekly.   Grab and friend join me for one of my e-courses this fall if you are so inclined  I would love to have you along for the dive into unbridled expression.

Finally, here’s one of my one minute videos to get us in the love zone.

lovers haiku

Source: piccsy.com via Kymberlee on Pinterest

he kissed her truly
she surrendered completely
as the stars giggled

A friend recently said he missed the grace of being kissed truly by another, open soul. This vulnerable offering opened my heart a little wider with recognition. I thought about the way I sometimes hold myself away from this kind of connection because of the fear of being vulnerable.

There was a time when I opened my body much more easily than my heart. I was hungry for connection or validation and would jump into physical intimacy without care for my heart. Then the intimacy would open my heart but things would get muddled and confusing. In these moments, I would often shut down everything so I didn’t have to feel the pain and vulnerability of it.

It’s been helpful to take time away from both physical and emotional intimacy with others to enable me to be more clear with myself about what I’m looking for–what my heart needs. I am not sure I can kiss or be kissed truly without this inner knowing any more. I’ve been learning more about what my heart needs both by being in different types of relationships but also by observing the world around me.

I marvel at how often I see people coupled who are either mean to one another or seem to be in a constant state of sparring or embarrassment with the other person. I met a couple the other night who have only been together for three months but I would have guessed ten years based on her eye rolling at his jokes and their kisses lacking passion and connection. I could feel the way they were pretending as I watched them. Maybe they didn’t want to be lonely so they became a “couple” but there is no love present. The next day, I saw another couple who have been married for many years and it was the same dynamic only no kisses. Not even physical touch. They were tolerating rather than celebrating the other. It made my heart so sad to see this.

It also made me realize that my own fears of intimacy and commitment are related to that dynamic that I have seen so often. I fear that being coupled leads to maintenance, complacency and being tolerated rather than being celebrated and kissed truly. That, of course, is silly. I can choose a different reality and I am.

This poem, then, is both a celebration of National Poetry Month and an alchemical offering to open my heart a bit wider and to allow me to embrace both my vulnerability and my joy.

Today, I open to allowing my body and my heart to be kissed truly by another open soul. Today, I embrace love.

And so it is.

*Art by Adam Martinakis

no more somedays

in

I played the song “Apple Juice Kissing” by Deee-Lite this morning and thought, “Someday I want to cover that song. It’s so sexy and fun and juicy, I just love it. Someday, when I have some people to jam with…”

Then I thought how silly that is. Why do I need to wait? I can just get out my cell phone, and sing it a capella for my own enjoyment so I did. (Note: The camera is pointed at my covers because I’m writing this from bed.)

Is it perfect? No. Was it fun? Yes.

A friend of mine is a big fan of Michigan and told me I should cover their fight song. I listened to it a few times and, not having a marching band (or being terribly inclined to march or fight), I recorded my own version for him..

I could have waited for “someday” but they are in the championship RIGHT NOW. He’s my fabulous friend RIGHT NOW. I feel like I’ve said “someday” to myself way too many times in my life. Yes, there are lots of times I haven’t and guess what? Those are the best gifts of my life: My kids, going to college, falling in love, writing and staging my one-woman show–all of these things could have waited for “someday” but when and why?

I find myself sometimes hedging because of mistakes I’ve made in the past. I feel too scared to be vulnerable again in love because hearts have been broken or because I’m not perfect and I’m afraid someone will figure that out and leave so I live in that “someday” place.

(Please tell me I’m not alone here.)

Not alone apparently. Here’s what some of my heroes have to say about mistakes:

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” ~George Bernard Shaw

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” ~Albert Einstein

I think we’re at a time when it’s better that we spend more time making love (in it’s myriad forms) and lots of mistakes and less time judging ourselves and others. As part of my celebration of life and love during National Poetry Month, I went to Weird and Awesome with Emmett Montgomery last night. One of the poets that got onstage said that she things of Weird and Awesome as “experimental and unfinished” (or something like that). I sort of think that’s what life is: Weird. Awesome. Experimental. Unfinished.

Things unravel and expand then contract and get tightened up but always, there is a process of unfolding and I just don’t think waiting for “someday” for that to happen makes a lot of sense.

So, here, RIGHT NOW, with this juicy song, I end my case of the “somedays”.

No more waiting for things to be “just right” because RIGHT NOW is what I’ve got.

Can I get an AMEN?

Aries Birthday Haiku

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Swimming by Skablins on Grooveshark

I went out to Nectar to see some live music and do some celebrating with a friend last night and saw this band, the Skablins. So much fun!

Later, we were in the outdoor area and the rain was falling so earnestly but was also somehow soft and fragrant. I told him I wanted to go get my face wet and asked him if he wanted to join me. We went out, tilted our faces to the sky and let the rain kiss our cheeks softly. I closed my eyes and imagined all the goodness the year ahead might bring.

This little haiku, then, is my National Poetry Month offering of the day:

rain fell on our cheeks
christening the year ahead
off to a good start!