congratulations, you've passed the test

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In the past 6 weeks 4 exes and one sorta-kinda ex have come popping back up into my life to either say hi, tell me they still love me or they “want” me.

Okay, Universe. I have passed the damned test. I have stayed true to myself and my heart. I have not told them what they wanted to hear. I have not played into the flattery or given myself away (as I have so many other times). Can we move on now? Please? I feel like Neo in the Matrix who just took the blue pill and pops out to see the world the way it really is. I feel like I am seeing the entanglements I’ve been caught in with fresh eyes.

I found this song that helps me remember what is true and real:

you glide respectfully around the edge
trying so carefully not to pledge your existence
congratulations you passed the test
now step up and join the rest
(your existence)
still you shuffle on looking in
don’t be so shameful it’s not a sin
(your existence)
one day you’ll understand the gift of freedom
that’s when you shall really bloom
(your existence)
don’t just contemplate
put it into action
make your ideas and dreams come true
(your existence)
take up the space that you need to
stretch out your arms and make a claim
(your existence)

And I found this “Declaration of Principles” from Paulo Coelho filled with affirmations that I’m on the right path. As he says, all of life is sacred. I celebrate the sacred contracts I’ve had with these beautiful souls with whom I’ve shared my body and my heart and I release them to their own futures. If it was meant to be, it would have been.

Today, I celebrate the freedom to choose. I celebrate the lightness of an untroubled heart, free of entanglement with men with conflicted hearts.

Today, I celebrate myself and the song in my heart that is finding a voice in this world. Today, my soulskin intact, I swim out to the sea and embrace my wild nature.

And so it is.

life is a splendid torch

autumn morning bliss

This is the true joy of life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the community, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live.

Life is no “brief candle” to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. ~George Bernard Shaw

I love this quote! This is so much how I feel about life. Sometimes people ask me how I do all that I do in my life. I do what I do because it brings me joy and because it gives my life purpose. I try to live my life with intention and endeavor not to squander an ounce of my life force on mindless pursuits. I don’t watch a lot of movies because I like to star in my own. I write. I play. I dance. I view art and support my artist friends.

I don’t get bored with life because I constantly engage with it. I ask questions and poke around. I create stuff, make messes and clean them up. I feel like my job here in this lifetime is to enjoy myself and serve the greater good. I endeavor to do this every day.

With each day that passes, I become more aware of my mortality and I desire to build a legacy for my children and future generations. Lately, I have been putting frames on my creations and pulling my work together more. I’m thinking more about the span of my life and what to make of this journey. It feels good to stop seeking so much and a take broad, sweeping look at what I’ve found.

It’s been a rough year in many ways, but I’m realizing that I am in the middle of a huge rite of passage in my life and that’s very good. My soul has pushed me into a place of stillness and reflection so I would pay attention. I am and, perhaps for the first time in my life, I am really honoring myself, my talents and my own Hero’s Journey. All I can say is it’s about fucking time.

Life is indeed a splendid torch and I am going to keep fanning the flames of mine and burn even brighter.

One final note, I could never do anything without the love and support of some amazing friends and family and for that I am deeply grateful.

hundreds of ways

Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances. That’s not for human beings.
Move within, but don’t move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel down and kiss the ground.

-Rumi

A dear friend sent me this poem the other day. What a lovely reminder that just being is enough.

Life unfolds so beautifully and miraculously when we allow it.

sending myself love notes

the party begins | metta

I recently sent myself an ecard from moma to be delivered at a future date. I’m so glad I did because after a week off of email, I had this little surprise waiting for me. I want to remember this act of self love. Here it is:

From Kymberlee

“But then they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!'” ~Jack Kerouac

You are doing amazing work, Kymberlee. Congratulations on your many successes.

You are being and will continue to be richly rewarded for being one of the Mad Ones.

I love you so much.

PS, You can do this too! Here’s the link: http://moma.org/ecards/index.php

Ripening

Ripening
To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal …
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance …
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I am readying for harvest. I feel the flush of pink on my skin, the fullness of my potential sweetening inside of me ready to pour out into the Universe, ready to be tasted and shared. I want to be plucked gently from the tree and treated with care. I do not want to wait too long, fall to the ground and get bruised. I trust in Divine timing. I trust that my fruit will be well-received.
May each of us grow mindfully, ripen in our own time and know when the time is right to harvest.