I just woke up from a dream. In this dream, many things happened. I didn’t know who I could trust. Everywhere I turned, someone was betraying me or trying to take something from me. I ran away from my house, leaving the doors wide open. I didn’t know where my children were, I didn’t know where I was going and I didn’t know how I was going to get there. I wanted to get in my van and drive but someone was in it and almost hit me with it so I ran.
I ran and I ran.
I came upon people who were trying to convince me of something. They had a long, elaborate story about the nature of things and a big conspiracy. They had pamphlets and illustrations. It began to feel unsafe so I ran away. They followed me.
I ran and I ran.
I found myself in a room with two men on either side of me. They both had disguises on and I thought they were holding me there. I felt that I was being forced to watch something and to be shown why the last group of people were wrong. I decided that I had had enough of being told how things were going to be. I got up and looked into the eyes of one of the men. I said, “I am leaving. It’s too bad you were trying to capture me because I really wanted to fuck you.” He replied, “It is too bad because I really wanted to fuck you too and then I wanted to hold you and cherish you.”
Then it became clear to me that these people loved me. ALL of the people had loved me. I saw that it had all been a game–an illusion–and that there was nothing to fear and nowhere to go. I realized that no matter where I went, I would be safe and the people around me were always there to love me even if it didn’t always seem like it. I felt a bit foolish but very peaceful and very loved.
As I stood there, no longer running, and gazed at the beauty and grace of it all, everything began to turn into beautiful, shimmering particles of light and swirl around into a beautiful spiral.
And then I woke up.
Or did I go back to sleep?
I could have written the following song: It makes me cry to read it. I’m going to my first ACA meeting tonight. Reading this is how I discovered how much I need to. I think I feel more courageous and more scared than I ever have in my life today. I also feel very held in Love.
by Janet Jackson
Here I am in your face
Tellin’ truths and not your old lies
Seems to me that you care
And I know that you’re runnin’ out of time
See ya can’t get away
I’ll be here forever and again
Whisperin’ in your ear
Do believe ’cause you know you cannot win
Spent most your life pretending not to be
The one you are but who you choose to be
Learned to survive in your fictitious world
Does what they think of you determine your worth
If special’s what you feel when you’re with them
Taken away, you feel less then again
You gotta mean what you say
You gotta say what you mean
Tryin’ to please everyone
Sacrifice your own needs
Check in the mirror my friend
No lies will be told then
Pointin’ the finger again
You can’t blame nobody but you
There’s a feelin’ inside
No you cannot change it right away
Gotta make it try
And with time it’ll start to go away
I’ll be here when you need
That one to sit and cry to
‘Cause I’m the you you forgot
The only one you know you cannot lie to
Bitter you’ll be if you don’t change you ways
When you hate you, you hate everyone that day
Unleash this scared child that you’ve grown into
You cannot run for you can’t hide from you
Can’t hide from you
not infinite love
driving this soul
the path of Love
has no place for
unguard the heart
I had this thought while driving yesterday that we put our lives in the hands of other people every day. Whether we are driving or riding a bus or even walking next to a road, we put a huge amount of faith in our fellow humans. We trust that everyone will “follow the rules” and not hit us.
Sometimes they don’t. Or they mess up and we get hurt.
Yet we still keep driving and riding and walking because we must. Because life goes on.
I am considering how this relates to love. Sometimes in love we get hurt but many of us curl up into a ball and don’t want to let anyone else in or take another risk out of fear of getting hurt.
I have been hurt physically and emotionally in my life by people who loved me. I have often forgiven them because I see their true nature, the spirit in them that is housed in the body of a a fallible human just doing their best. This compassion, however, led me to stay in situations that did not serve me. Rather than asserting myself and having good boundaries, I would keep forgiving, loving and coming back for more hurt.
I’m doing that less and less.
Having been hurt is not going to keep me from loving ever more fully, however. I think I can actually love MORE fully as I create boundaries, know when and how to say “ouch” and move away from that which brings me pain. I find as I do this, it makes more space in my heart for love and deep intimacy.
I will continue to allow more and more love and people into my life as I treat myself with more love and honor. On the road, my faith in my own driving ability and cultivating a keen awareness of what is happening around me is what I can do to keep myself physically safe. By the same token, my self-love and awareness of my inner voice will help keep me safe in love as I continue to move through the world as a loving being.
I will keep trusting, opening and loving because life goes on and the world needs more love.