the true self is a disturbing character

Sometimes I want to just be alone like this bird gliding off to new adventures. Just me and the vast expanse of the world before me.

I am tired of measuring my words, of factoring other people into my decisions and my life.

I am weary of the people in my life crumbling when I stake a claim for my own independence or for my needs getting met. This is what shaped me into a person who strategized in relationships. I’ve spent so many years working to shuck off the part of me that is afraid to be truthful because someone’s feelings will get hurt and I will be rejected, yelled at, treated abusively, etc.

If I don’t let everyone suckle at my breast and assure them that “mama” still loves them and tell them what they want to hear, I am met with defensiveness, statements about them not being “enough” and a host of other things that feel like an attempt to get me back to being who THEY want me to be. Few things annoy me more than those little “hooking” statements that people make. I know I make them too. It’s a pretty common coping mechanism.

I know this is my work. I know I’m not responsible for the their feelings but today, I just want to be completely alone and away from all the tender little egos around me.

Today I want to glide away.

In Julia Cameron’s book, “Inspirations“, I found this juicy nugget yesterday:

Afraid to appear selfish, we lose our self. We become self-destructive. Because this self-murder is something we seek passively rather than consciously act out, we are often blind to it’s poisonous grip on us. Virtuous to a fault, trapped creatives have destroyed the true self, the self that didn’t meet with much approval as a child, the self who heard repeatedly, “Don’t be selfish!” The true self is a disturbing character, healthy and occasionally anarchistic, who knows how to play, how to say “no” to others and “yes” to itself.

SO. I will not go away from others completely but I will be saying yes to myself more and more and let those tender egos out there take care of themselves.

And so it is.