Today I ran across a single line I had written on a page in my journal. It said, :
“I am not the kind of woman you can push around.”
It’s true that I haven’t been physically pushed around since my older brother tormented me in my youth. I am strong and fierce physically and don’t even give that a second thought.
Emotional “pushing around” is a whole other matter. Holding onto false hope of people eventually being nicer to me if only I believed in them, being overly accomodating to the needs of others to my own detriment, and allowing myself to be ruled by the will of another without regard for my own well-being are among the many ways I’ve allowed myself to be pushed around emotionally.
Fear of rejection is a powerful motivator.
Fortunately, I have learned that I am worth more than that. I am learning that I am worthy of love, self-care and honor. Honoring myself and my own needs has helped me honor the needs of others with grace.
I am finally letting the pain out and letting the healing happen.