my eyes | my heart | my self

I am moving into the places of deep questioning that I believe we all go through at one point and time. The place that hopefully leads to spirit and ego shaking hands and deciding to play nice.

I am seeing the many ways I have either not been sincere in my interactions with others because I was coping (ego) or where I truly saw them in their light and beauty and reflected that back (spirit).

My therapist once told me that I see things from the perspective of an angel. I always see the best, the purest form. She also pointed out that that doesn’t work so well as a human. I have learned that well.

A lover said about me on his blog, “She sees a man who has flaws and chooses to see the lovely and beautiful in him anyway. Your eyes are a gift primarily because so many people sees themselves anew through them.” What a lovely reflection that is to me. The problem in that relationship is that it wasn’t sustainable. I didn’t know how to express the things I didn’t like with any sort of grace so I pulled away. It ended badly and I regret that. This is not the only relationship I have pulled away from because I didn’t know how to fully express myself without fear.

This has always been true for me. In order to shield people from pain (mainly myself), I avoided conflict and didn’t speak up when I needed to, didn’t ask for what I needed, didn’t assert myself.

This has created a huge schism within me. There is the outer me that people see (because it’s what I choose for them to see) and the inner me that has a slightly different truth that I have often been afraid to share. I am, at present, attempting to marry these selves.

I have learned that I am intense, raw, often critical, deeply loving and very human. I am a challenging person to be in relationship with because I see deeply and feel even more deeply. I now accept that “challeningness” as a gift, not a liability (well, in truth, perhaps both).

I can and do still see the best people have to offer. I will always see this way. I also owe it to myself and those I encounter to be sincere and that means being REAL, speaking up and speaking out even if or when it is uncomfortable.

It’s not my job to “keep the peace”. Doing so has only led to inner turmoil. I would rather embody peace by being clear and clean with my energy. I can do this best by being sincere always.

And so it is.