I’m going through a period of intense surrender in my life–surrender to a Higher Power, to Love, to a wisdom beyond what my ego has been feeding me. I am waking up from the dream of this planet, the dream of the illusion of control that my small self has been thinking it has.
The Hero’s Journey can be treacherous. I have experienced the deceit of trusted friends and had my trust shattered over and over. I see how often relationships have been used as ballasts of security in my life or how I have been that ballast for others in ways that was not structurally sound. I’ve seen how often others have projected their illusions on me–motherloversistermadonnawhore/fatherloverbrotherknightsaint–one holographic pattern or another has been projected on me or by me so often. I see how I have been a muse or mother figure/soft comforter for others and enjoyed that role for the false sense of power I received. I see how I have wanted others to protect or care for me in exchange for love and care. Mutual love and understanding have been so elusive and true care and intimacy hard to come by. In the past, when I have said, “no”, people left or got angry so I learned to say “yes” a lot to feel safe.
As I surrender and let my Higher Self guide me, I hear a voice that says, “Be gentle with yourself. You can do it. It will be okay. I’ve got your back.” I trust this voice. It is soft, subtle, wise and compassionate. This voice says, “Wake up from the dream and don’t go back to sleep. You can always choose love but it has to start within. Love yourself and the rest will flow.”
So, for now, I am loving myself. I am noticing when people run away as the projections and illusions fall away. I’m watching myself stand tall and make strong, discerning choices in support of my own well-being. I’m allowing myself to heal and to receive love from people who have earned my trust and show me care–not caretaking but caregiving–and I’m learning to allow that. It’s the difference between co-dependence and interdependence, the difference between illusion and truth and the difference between operating from a place of fear or a place of Love.
I am blessed with the ability to love and forgive others easily. As I learn to do this with myself, my life is changing in miraculous ways. Needs are getting met, truth spoken and wounds healed.
I like waking up. What a beautiful world this is when seen with open eyes and heart.