I was looking for this Joy List post from 2005 to remind me of what brings me joy and see if I’m on track. Turns out I am. Much of the things on the list I do frequently, if not every day. This is heartening. I may repost it with some additions but it’s good for now.
Just next door to this post is 39 Things (to do in my 39th year). Um. Wow. I sure did set my bar WAY fucking high for myself, didn’t I? I was still married and hadn’t even filed for divorce yet, I had a 3 year-old at the time and no way to make income or any childcare to focus on the career I wanted to have yet I thought I could “Buy my own house, Travel to Paris, Take a vacation, Record a CD, Write a book, etc.” Didn’t expect much from life, did I? What a setup for failure!
Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I made the list. I’m glad to have the chance to revisit it. I notice that many, many of the (more realistic) things on the list I DID do that year. I did #5, 6, 7, 9, 12, 18, 21, 23, 26, 29, 31, 32, 33, 34 and 39. My lack of ability to do #35, “Form relationships based on trust, mutuality and POSITIVITY”, is something that has steered my life WAY off the course I set back then. I did invite romance (#39) with more than one fella and ended my 20 year marriage. You can read my blog to see how much of that unfolded over the ensuing years. Heartbreak, explosive growth, deep compassion and plenty of opportunities both to forgive and be forgiven have come from that. I have lost many, many things; some by choice, others not. I have ended friendships and walked away from destructive habits. I have also gained many, new friends, learned what and who is real in my life and gone back to school. In fact, I’ll be finished soon.
Would I change any of that? Hell no! I have enjoyed the ride. I have learned so much. The biggest gift that these full, juicy, joyful and painful 5 years have brought me is the wisdom to listen deeply with the ear of my heart–to my intuition. So much of the over-reaching in the 39 Things list comes from being a student of conscious creation and a life-long dreamer. I DO believe that we all create our own reality but I no longer believe the Universe is a vending machine. I do believe we get what we focus on. I can prove it. I’ve been focusing on love, loss and longing for the past many years and guess what I’ve been getting more and more of? Yep. I also have many friends in the same boat (like energy attracts like energy and all that).
I still believe that my possibilities are endless but not from wish-making and daydreaming (although they do help). Vision boards are great but you have to leave your house to travel. You have to get off your ass to have the body of your dreams. You have to engage with life and you sure as fuck have to learn to let go of what isn’t working and stop endlessly looking at your own navel (life) to move in a different direction. I am entering a new cycle in numerology, a “one” year. My friend (and life coach) Betsy Gutting told me this means it’s a year all about me–a year to initiate, start new projects and learn what I stand for.
As Monty Python would say, “And now for something completely different.” Enough with the past. Enough with death. Time for life, rebirth and beginnings.
Just yesterday, in my art journal, I pasted a little picture of a landscape that had dark, gloomy clouds looming over a green field. In the middle was a beautiful patch of blue. I wrote, “Can you see the blue sky?” This afternoon I looked out my window and saw what you see in the photo above: a beautiful swath of light. Limitless possibility.
Going through the lists I’ve mentioned and some older blog posts has shown me both what I have done that was good–that FELT good (one of the basic tenets of conscious creation)–and what hasn’t felt good. It’s also shown me what I have forgotten about: how much I love to play with art, how much I used to focus on not just what I was grateful for but also what I really ENJOYED.
The year ahead, I suspect, will be a year of rising up, of claiming and reclaiming , of creating and sculpting the endless possibilities that lie in that beautiful swath of light that has been waiting for me to notice it. I’ll keep you posted. 🙂