My friend recently did some writing about her “fantasy career” and encouraged me to do the same. The idea is to get yourself in the feeling space of what you want so you can bring more of it into your life. I like the idea but I’m not sure it works for me. I can use my imagination to conjure up ideas about where I want to be but sometimes my imagination is pretty fantastic and then I look around at my “real” life and feel crappy about it.
So, instead of thinking about my fantasy career, I have decided to look at what about my current life is a lot like what I have always wanted. That feels more grounded for me in this moment since fantasy has sort of gotten me in trouble in the past.
I have always wanted to travel, to write and to be an artist. I’ve also always wanted to be a free-spirited lover who makes love when and where and to whom she chooses. I’ve always wanted to live in France.
So, today, in the now, I can say that I do many of these things. I am an artist who creates something nearly every day. I have people who support my work in various ways and I continue to bring more supporters to myself as I study and find ways to bring my work out into the world. I don’t hold on to some idea of where it is all going because part of my way of being is to embrace mystery. In art, in life, in relationships I like the not knowing. It’s fucking sexy.
I am definitely a writer. I have been published and will be again. I also self-publish nearly every day either on my blog or elsewhere on the net. I write for school. I write in my journal. I wish to write a book one day but honestly, right NOW, feel pretty comfortable with what I do and how I put it into the world.
As for travel, I’m a mother of two children and a student with a limited budget right NOW so I have little mini adventures often. I take the bus downtown and visit new places often. I walk around and see my city, myself and my life with new eyes as often as possible. Through these adventures, I have learned to master public transportation and traveling alone in a large city late at night which is something that was really scary for a country girl like me and kept me away from my bigger travel fantasies much of my life. I travel to France in my mind, for now. I sometimes make very French meals and live very much like a French woman in many ways. I drink French press coffee (heh). That’s enough for me for NOW. There will come a time when travel to France is right but, quite, honestly I am really peaceful about my life right NOW. I have such juicy fun nearly every day.
As for lovers, I absolutely love who I want when I want and enjoy that part of my life. I don’t put a lot of boundaries on my life, for the most part. I enjoy myself. I make mistakes and I learn. In truth, I am a professional lover of life. I love. That’s what I want to do and what I do. What else is there?
In his fabulous essay The Enormous Womb, Henry Miller said that “Life as it is called, is for most of us one long postponement. And the simple reason for it is: FEAR…The best world is that which is now this very moment” He says, “Do we not know that God is constantly giving us of his boundless love? Why then do we not give ourselves—recklessly, abundantly, completely?”
I find that the more I live in the moment–in the NOW–and really pay attention to what life is giving back to me as I live it full out, the more I feel abundant and complete (God knows I’ve got the reckless part down pat!). I will always have longing. I will never be totally satisfied. Longing and aching keep me creating and growing. I would be dead without them. I can say with a full, truthful heart that I feel very loved, very lush and very happy in the NOW of my life. I like that my dreams have been quietly unfolding all along just waiting for me to notice.