Last night I received a scathing comment on this blog post from a woman who is a friend of a friend. One of the people who lives on the edges of my life. The post clearly triggered her own feelings of low self-worth so she lashed out at me. In our subsequent email exchange, she said, “There have been so many nights when I have allowed myself to be so upset…”
They key word in that sentence is “allowed”. Man, I can relate to that! Sometimes my ego can be so busy focusing on what someone or somebody did that supposedly impacts me that I forget to live out the joy I could be choosing. What a silly trap that is!
There was a time when receiving an email like that would have derailed me, made me doubt myself and kept me from feeling happy. I would have felt the need to defend myself. As it was, I just let my heart open. I could feel the deep wounding inside of her words. I could feel her wanting to find someone to blame for her choices and pain and it just opened me up. I know that place so well. My response was to reflect back what I heard and to offer love. Ultimately, I’m only loving an alternate version of myself in these moments anyway.
During my morning spiritual study time today, I saw this lovely message from one of my teachers, Denise Linn:
“There comes a time when you realize that it’s time to lay down your burden…there is no one to blame, no one at fault, nothing to continue to fear, feel guilty or ashamed about . . . and there is nothing wrong with you.
You’re okay just as you are. You do not need to hide who you are, or put the needs of others always before your own needs.
In the moment when you relax and let go, you will know that all is well . . . and it always has been.”
For a couple of years now, I’ve been extremely focused on learning about taking care of myself and healing my own wounds. This has meant taking responsibility for my pain and choices. It has also meant being vulnerable and admitting when I don’t have everything figured out. As I’ve done that, I see how many walls I’ve built around myself. The kind of walls that not only keep grace from flowing out of my heart but also keep me from receiving it. I know for sure that in order to let love into my heart, I need to open and stop being afraid. I need to open to the possibility of pain but also to the possibility of immense joy and fulfillment.
I don’t want to live with blame, shame, guilt and fear. I just want to live out the infinite possibilities that love offers. What else is there? I love the lyrics of this song as well as the softness in it. Still working on finding my wings but closer every day.
Love to all the tender, tangled up hearts out there. You really are fabulous just as you are. Right now.
Here’s a little beauty break for you: