quantum theory as it relates to bullshitting oneself

I’ve been considering the subtle qualities of communication as well as the intention behind it because of a few experiences I’ve had recently. Even if I am choosing my words carefully and practicing being “assertive” (versus aggressive) or if I’m saying “I’m not attached to the outcome” when I really am VERY attached, it is felt and the words I used don’t matter at all.
I tell myself that I’m being benevolent and acting in integrity to supposedly protect the “other” when really it is me I am protecting from conflict, pain and especially vulnerability (yep, more possible pain!). The attachment or aggression or whatever energy is present is sent out into the Universe and manifests accordingly. The receiver likely feels it directly or indirectly.

In the book, The Quantum and the Lotus: A Journey to the Frontiers Where Science and Buddhism Meet, Matthieu Ricard asserts,

“A radio wave can launch an appeal for war or for peace. In a similar way, the modifications made to our wave of consciousness by our thoughts and by the altruistic or malevolent motives behind our words and actions are expressed as happiness or suffering.”

This tells me that it doesn’t matter what I say or even what I do (at times). What matters is the intention. While this isn’t news to me, I am experiencing it with a different level of consciousness these days. I seem to be watching myself more often and seeing how I am operating in the world. I have less judgment of myself and others and am just noticing when I am bullshitting myself. It’s illuminating!

Ricard goes on to say consciousness can be either purified or darkened. The key with that is that we must be aware. Over the last year, I have spent a lot more time alone and have chosen not to fill up every moment with another person or thinking about someone else’s needs. I’ve doing a lot of journaling, art, meditation and deep, inner work. This quiet, contemplative time has shifted something within. When I remember to slow down, take a breath and tune in, I can choose to bring the shadow into the light through awareness and at least try to be pure in my intentions.

Maybe this awareness is what Dave Matthews is talking about in “The Space Between” when he says,

The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

I want to live in the space between, the interstitial space that watches and holds me accountable. I don’t want to keep myself safe from the pain. I intend to live the truth and I intend to create goodness and do my part to eliminate rather perpetuate suffering by living a life of joy and service. And so it is.