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the end of reminscilocomotion [or the finding of peace]

Straight Ahead | Blazing Arrow

I created a new word about something I have done a lot which I am henceforth eliminating from my vocabulary. Yes, that’s right, I am both creatrix and destructrix right now, in this moment.

The word is “reminiscilocomotion (verb): the act of moving forward while looking back.”

I am not the girl who got “bad-touched” when she was younger.
I am not the girl who stood between her mom and the attack of a raging drunk at age 14 to “save” her.
I am not the girl I was at 21 when I got married.
I am not the woman I was at 30 when I had my first child.
I am not the woman I was at 33 when I fell in love for the first time in my life.
I am not the woman who got divorced at the age of 40.
I am not the woman who was in a much-too-soon post-divorce relationship with a man who couldn’t hear the word no.
I am not the woman whose father shows no interest in her life.
I am not the caretaker of other people’s feelings.
I am not the woman who has been identifying with her pain body for so many years.
I am no longer a spiritual seeker. (I am a beauty and truth finder.)

I have been overlong a person who foolishly charged headlong into things to try to leave the past behind while simultaneously holding on to memories, relationships and other mental constructions that were killing me inside.

I have overlong been the fucking poster child for a girl with daddy issues. Enough already.

I can’t see the future when I’m looking back. Hell! I can’t even see the present when I’m not in it.

Life is filled with far too much joy, awe and wonder not to just revel in every scrumptious moment. I don’t know what the word is for moving while anchored in stillness. Perhaps it’s just peace. That works for me.

Enough of what I’m not. Here’s what I am today.

I am an independent woman.
I am a mother.
I am a friend.
I am an artist.
I am a writer.
I am a student.
I am a Bohemian business woman–a soulful entrepreneur.
I am a woman with great integrity.
I am a free spirit.
I am a Celebrator of Life!

And so it is.

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