what wants to die?

I drew the Death card from The Mythic Tarot two days in a row.

I’m paying attention to that.

I’m writing a show right now. It’s a big undertaking to open to a story wanting to be told through you. It’s one thing to perform someone else’s work or just to write something and close the book. It’s quite another to write personal stories and be vulnerable enough to stage and perform them. It’s a lot like falling in love. So. Fucking. Vulnerable.

I was writing about this vulnerability to my director today. I wrote:

I had a realization that I am afraid of losing my “self” in this process. Just like with the ways I’ve put up barriers to love in my life out of fear that I would have to give up parts of my “self”, I equally have a hard time surrendering to the immense vulnerability that comes with opening to the story that is asking to be told through me. This seems to be the reason I get hooked up in “the moral of the story is…”

SO much easier to tell someone what they should feel or believe than to just let myself feel it/experience it.

So I am working on letting the false masks falls away and let the story be told.

Shortly after I wrote that, I heard this song, “Love” by Delerium.

Even
My heart is broken in two
Now I feel no sense of certainty
Can there ever be any guarantees in life?
Tell me

You ask yourself what do you know…
I know I’ll always love you, baby
And you’ll ask me how I feel about you… (I’ll tell you)
I know I’ll always love you!

Even
I feel unloved and lost
I feel no sense of safety,
Can there ever be any guarantees in life?
Tell me,
Oh tell me…

You ask yourself, what do you know…
I know I’ll always love you, baby
And you’ll ask me how I feel about you…
I know I’ll always love you!

I will take you away from yourself (Yes I will, I’ll take you, baby)
For a while, back to each year
That I have loved you

There it is: I will take you away from yourself. That is what I have been afraid of my entire life. That love would find me and take me away from myself. That’s the trap of the ego that keeps us from living fully: The fear of losing control.

Today, I allow my need to control anything die and let the story just be told through me. Today, I allow Love to enrapture me.

And so it is.