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surrender [a free write]

yes, i do

In my Free Will Astrology reading for this week, Rob Brezny urges me to “Surrender to the naked truth of what you love,” in order to open the door to my future. What follows is an unfiltered free write on the naked truth of what I love. The naked truth, after all, is a big value in my life. So here it is:

I love music. I love listening to it, singing it and especially dancing to it. Music is the most beautiful, full-bodied expression of the Divine to me.

I love my children. I love watching them grow and finding new ways to love, surprise them and just BEing with them on this journey through life. I love their spirits. I love their strength, resilience and way they are so in love with life. I love the way it feels to hold them and I love that they let me. I love the way they reflect back all that is good in my own heart and in life. I cannot imagine my life without them.

I love beauty–creating it, celebrating it, co-creating it. No much else to say. Life is beautiful.

I love adventure. New experiences rock my world. I love to see what’s right around the corner. There is always more to explore and taste and touch. Life truly is an adventure and I am immensely grateful for that.

I love sex. Love it. I love anticipation of it, the raw, unbridled passion of it, the deep soul connection that is possible through it. I love the eye contact, the tastes and smells and all things sensual about the experience. I love how, with the right person, it’s not just my body that opens but my entire energy system. I love the merger. I have become aware of and truly appreciate the immense vulnerability I feel when I am being penetrated. There is so much possibility for deep hurt–both physically and emotionally. Much like life itself, I put my life in another’s hands through opening to this experience. There is nothing as exquisite as living with the paradox of that. Sex is both terrifying and deeply healing.

I love connection. I blog for this reason. I facebook for this reason. I fuck for this reason. I engage in participatory art for this reason. I love to connect with others and I love to connect people with each other. It brings me great joy to introduce people to new ideas, new people, new experiences. I am sometimes terrified of the intimacy of connection but I seem to keep diving into that fear more and more. I also just love to find the connections between things. I love fractals. I so appreciate how much consciousness is expanding and we get to see, through visuals, how deeply connected we are to life and to All That Is. It’s a fucking miracle to me.

I love truth. I love hearing another’s truth and sharing my own. I love seeing the truth bubble up to the surface even though it’s painful to behold and to own up to. I love the sublime freedom that comes with living my own truth and seeing others do the same. I love the way energy feels when truth has come forward. The constriction of lying and subterfuge is incredibly oppressive to me. Truth is the shit. Truth is where it’s at.

I love to hold on to the past. Just kidding. 😉

I love art. I love to view it, create it and share it. I am not an art historian but I have begun to better understand my artistic lineage. I am the love child of Jasper Johns, John Cage, Picasso, Van Gogh, keri smith, and Louise Bourgeois, among others. I don’t care much for propriety or structure but, rather, want to bust the fuck out of the walls humans put ourselves in. I find art to be a fantastic vehicle for asking questions, breaking rules and generally engaging in creative dissent.

I love love. I love every possibly expression of it and it is the #1 guiding force in my life. I see no reason to exist without it. In fact, I believe it is the very fabric of existence so there is no way to live without it even if we tried. I love being loved and loving others. I love being in love. I am, every day that I live, in love with life.

I love to write (except when I don’t). I find it sometimes painful but always cathartic. I write to survive. Without writing I would go insane. That is not hyperbole. If I had a choice between new shoes and something to write with, I would choose the writing tools. I will sacrifice much for the time, space and materials to express myself.

I love to move my body. Lifting weights, dancing, long walks, extended sessions of playful lovemaking…just any way I can move and grow and stretch. I wither away when I don’t move.

I love mystery. I always have. I love the unknown, unseeable, unquantifiable. I love not knowing and longing. I adore being thrust into situations that I can’t control and embracing surrender. It stokes my fires in myriad ways. It’s also incredibly fecund. The Great Mystery always brings me more wonder than I can conjure with my small mind.

I love to support others in their endeavors. It brings me great joy to see my friends and family shine. I love being the Believing Eyes for others and spreading the word about their gifts and talents. It makes my heart feel so good.

I love to play. Not so much board games or cards but playful, witty conversation, playful bodies, a wink-and-a-smile kinda thang. I love to be playful in my approach to life. It helps unstick what is stuck when I loosen up. Not the disrespectful kinda play that ignores the needs of others but the playful, child-like attitude of wise sages everywhere. The not-taking-life-too-seriously kind of play.

I love inspiration. I love to inspire. I have been called a Muse by many, many people over the course of my lifetime and especially this last year. I write this blog and do much of what I do as a way of inspiring life to become more aware of itself and to have more fun and love. I would say I hope it’s working but the truth is, I know it is. I now have about 10,000 hits to my website every month and I’m starting to get a lot of feedback that living with the intention to inspire is working. To inspire is to breathe life into. That’s good work methinks.

I’m not sure what all of this means in terms of my future or what doors will open in my psyche through this exercise but, as self-expression always does, it helps me to see myself more completely. I trust the process of opening to my naked truth and surrender to the mystery as it unfolds right now, right here. Now is where it’s at.

What’s your naked truth? What do you love? I would love to know.

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