life force

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is on a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.” -Martha Graham

I am, at the age of 40, in the midst of a huge recalibration. I am seeing how much I’ve been coping most of my life. Much of who I am and what I have done has been shaped by the needs and expectations of others. When I really let myself sink into the depth of that truth, it stuns me.

I don’t want to live that way any more.

I no longer want to stand in the rain while I hold the door open for others to walk through.

I have been unearthing the lost fragments of my inner being for a long time. I’ve also been too scared to act on them. I hid behind the familiar roles of caretaker or “guru” for a long time to my own detriment. I’ve done a lot of inner work but I also haven’t pushed through the fear and really, truly made a commitment to myself. It’s been much easier to blame someone or something for not achieving my goals. The truth is, I have never felt worthy of claiming the success I know is waiting for me. I have had lots of messages that is more benevolent to take care of others, be kind, be “nice”, etc. Or maybe those are the ones I chose to hear. I don’t know. I just know that what I really want to do with my life has nothing to do with listening to other people or “taking care” of them.

Since I was a little girl, I wanted to be an artist and performer. I always dreamed of living in Paris, speaking French, writing in little cafes, singing in little clubs, sketching and traveling.

I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I want to be when I grow up and that is okay because life is long and I am listening and following my own unique life force.